Worst. Movie. Ever?

So it all began innocently enough when Ben told me to look at a video on YouTube. Little did I know that watching this 30-second video clip would change my life.

Do I need to be so dramatic? Probably not. But it's not every day that you spend a considerable amount of time trying to track down a movie made in 1990 on a budget of $5.25.

The movie in question?

(Are you sure that one was not enough? 'Cause I'm pretty sure it was.)

I have a child-like wonderment when it comes to stuff like this (i. e. stuff that normal people would generally spend five seconds thinking about), so when I heard that TROLL 2 was voted one of the worst movies ever made on the Internet Movie Database (funnily enough, The Hottie and the Nottie is currently #1), I just had to see it for myself.

So is the film as bad as the VHS cover would have you believe?

If this picture is any indication...

...then the answer is a resounding SO BAD IT'S...BAD.

And yet, I have a strange compulsion to document it.

Here are 21 reasons why TROLL 2 is maybe not so great.

1. BAD STUNT WORK

If you look closely, you might notice that this guy trips over absolutely nothing. At least the editors are kind: this appears within the first minute of the film, so it gives you a chance to shut off the DVD player and spend your hour-and-a-half more wisely than watching TROLL 2. Unfortunately, it only made me want to see more.

2. COSTUMING BY AN EX-PORN STAR

It's also very apt that her name appears as we're treated to her potato sack troll-friendly summer line. It's also apt that as someone who spent the better part of her youth unclothed, she spent her latter years dressing others.

3. NILBOG

This is the town where the all-American Waits family vacation on some convoluted "family exchange." I know, I don't get it either. Even a wrong turn or a flat tire en route to a "The Tyra Banks Show" taping would have made more sense. The biggest revelation that "Nilbog" is "Goblin" spelled backwards (the beauty, I suppose, is in the simplicity, and oh, how simple it is) doesn't even come until the half-way mark. Which brings me to...

4. TROLLS vs. GOBLINS vs. LEPRECHAUNS

So the film is called TROLL 2, even though it's not a sequel to Troll and doesn't actually feature trolls. And the town is called "Nilbog," obviously named after the townsfolk. But for some strange reason, we're supposed to make a connection via tattooed four leaf clovers that these people are nefarious trolls. I love movies that go through several identity crises just because they can.

5. TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL DAD

Mr. Waits is the archetypal family patriarch -- steadfast, patient, and loving. He's also got an affinity for revealing pajamas, in which he likes to lounge around in, always ready for a romance novel cover shoot should the opportunity arise spontaneously in his living room. Unfortunately, by the next shot, the director's made him cover up. Boo.

Just to refresh our fond memories, let's see it again:

But the big question is, can this look be easily incorporated in our every day lives?

Yes, yes it can! Thanks, Laura Gemser!

(Here's some fun trivia: George Hardy, the actor playing the father, is a real-life dentist.)

6. HOLLY WAITS AND HER WACKY BOYFRIEND

Holly is the rebellious teen daughter who likes to work out in her room, tease her hair, and date emasculated men. When her boyfriend, Elliott, climbs up her bedroom window and nearly scares her, causing her to knee him in the groin, she has this fascinating conversation with him:

ELLIOTT: "Are you nuts? Are you trying to turn me into a homo?"
HOLLY: "Wouldn't be too hard! If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you."
ELLIOTT: "And you?"
HOLLY: "I like you."

They bicker some more about Elliott's need to bring his pervy friends everywhere. I might point out that the argument arises because Elliott has brought his friends to this midnight rendezvous. When confronted with Holly's impatience, Elliott says, "What's wrong with having friends?" To which Holly replies, "Nothing, if you want to remain a virgin all your life. You take them to bed with you too! And I don't believe in group sex." Elliott is sad.

In real life, Holly would be way too high maintenance to date. One second she's beating the crap out of her boyfriend, and the next she's coyly flirting with him. It's also strange that in the next chunk of clunky dialogue, she invites him on the family trip, considering how her father hates him and all.

But in Holly's defense, her boyfriend is pretty annoying (and possibly a long-lost member of Menudo). So let's see her deliver some street justice once more.

7. THE HOLLY WAITS DANCE

This was just one of many WTF moments to be mined from this movie. Is this filler? The director's loving tribute to "Thriller"? A new form of jazzercise? But most importantly, is Holly really an Aries? Watching this wacky, nonsensical and non-plot-driving dance unfold before your eyes is worth the price of rental alone.

8. THE BASEBALL OF FORESHADOWING

Instead of shelling out a couple of bucks for a soundtrack of foreboding music found in most discount stores after Hallowe'en, the makers of TROLL 2 have opted to show us that something ominous is about to happen through a magical baseball that reveals all via green food colouring.

Wait, I didn't quite get it. Can I have another clue?

Ah. Thanks.

9. THE GOOGLY-EYED GOBLIN

No list can go by without a shout-out to the goblins who actually make the film, and this one, which pops up intermittently to show us of what we can all do with our fifth grade Hallowe'en masks, is probably my favourite. How can you be scared of something that looks so tragically comical? And most importantly, how can you stay mad at it?

10. BAD SPECIAL EFFECTS

It goes without saying that TROLL 2 would be riddled with these, but it's sometimes akin to watching a junior high drama club stage an adaptation of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I don't know what's worse, the special effects or the tacky 80s decor. And this is supposed to pass for lightning.

But the most laughable thing has to be this:

They couldn't just hire a freckled actress if they wanted them so badly?

11. VEGETARIAN GOBLINS

Seriously. No one actually gets eaten in this film until they turn into a puddle of green digestible goo. Like, if you were to encounter one of these goblins (let's hope it's the googly-eyed one!), they couldn't actually eat you. Instead, they would try to force green jelly slime down your throat that turns you into goo so that they could eat you. This process takes up way too much time...which brings us to the next point.

12. THE GREEN GOO

The trolls spend half of the movie trying to entice people with their form-changing food. And half the time, it doesn't work. Perhaps they should come up with a different course of action; one, say, that doesn't involve trying to trick people into eating food. I don't know about you, but watching these trolls try to coax a young boy into having a bowl of ice cream doesn't exactly scream "menacing" to me.

Speaking of Joshua Waits, why are the trolls constantly trying to turn him into goo so that they can eat him?

He doesn't seem like he would be of much substance, being a child and all. And he's obviously way smarter than they are, foiling their plans at almost every turn. Luckily for the trolls, he seems to be the only remotely intelligent person in this entire film.

13. THE LOSS OF LOGIC

There are many instances where watching TROLL 2 feels like you're witnessing Sheri Sheppard teach a science class, and this is just one of many leaps in logic: When the Waits family arrives in Nilbog, they don't actually bring any food with them. I don't know if they expected their host family to provide all meals, but I would say that it's pretty stupid to plan a family exchange with no regard to eating arrangements. And yet, they're actually shocked that the fridge is stocked with nothing but spoiled milk.

This is Drew, one of Elliott's friends. Like Elliott, he's not really all that bright. And like the Waits family, neither boys think to bring food when they follow the Waits to Nilbog. When Elliott is presented with this sandwich, which is obviously laced with the green goo of troll malice, he doesn't hesitate to wolf it down. But really, would anyone really eat a sandwich that looked like it was stuffed with coleslaw? On the other hand, coleslaw is good, so I can forgive Drew for sealing his own fate.

What I can't get behind is the Waits' stupidity. Not moments ago, Mr. Waits witnessed this bearded man menace his son with a bowl of ice cream, and now they're all happy that the same man is throwing them a party. I guess they're just easy that way.

To be continued...

Totally. Random.

I saw this on the MTV Canada site and it really pissed me off (the issue of me even being on the MTV site will be addressed at a much, much later time).

Psst: Look closer.

I know I'm anal, but I'm sure MTV Canada can afford a proof-reader or two, no?

I'm Technology's Bitch...And Also, Happy New Year!

So I haven't posted in a while, and now it's 2008. I would say that time flies, but really, it's just a case of me being a deadbeat again. There have been some changes since my last post. Most notably, I moved again. I went from a cozy apartment in downtown Toronto to a box in Liberty Village. This is what it looks like:

Yes, that is a giant teddy bear on my couch. And now you know why I was single for two years.

The photo was taken about one week after I'd moved in, but things haven't really changed much. Oh, maybe the box that doubles as my temporary table is less cluttered now, and the garbage bag has moved from that corner to the other one.

Living here has its advantages; I'm much closer to work, and there's an LCBO about five minutes away. But given my proximity to the lake, it also gets much windier and cooler than normal. Luckily, I haven't ventured out much because it's my hibernation time, and I much prefer to lure people to my box than to leave it.

The move was relatively smooth, but for some reason, I had a total technology breakdown when my Internet stopped working. After I'd wept and thrown tantrums and rocked myself to sleep in the fetal position, I tried to figure out what went wrong. Two weeks later, and I still had no Internet or explanation, and trying to find a(n unprotected) wireless connection in my area was like playing the odds at a casino (yes, I was so trying to steal someone's Internet connection). Fortunately, after I'd given up much hope and resigned myself to a life with no online videos of "A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila" and angry e-mails to Tyra Banks about the outcome of "America's Next Top Model," my modem sprang to life. It's also fortunate for the Internet company, as I'm sure this post would have turned into a long, incoherent rant otherwise.

I also participated in the National Novel Writing Month challenge in November. It was a lot of fun, but getting to 50,000 words in one month wasn't exactly easy. I think I ended up with about twenty pages of dialogue that went something like:
"What are you doing?" he said.
"Nothing," she replied. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing much," he said.
"Oh," she said.
Obviously, it needs a lot of editing.

I've also kept busy during my Internet blackout by watching my Season 3 DVDs of "Beverly Hills, 90210," a gift from a very generous Santa. This is the best season ever, for this is where Kelly and Dylan start up their summer fling and Brenda finds out. I'm relishing in my unabashed "90210" marathons almost every other day. I love how Steve managed to have a mullet even though he had the least amount of hair in the cast.

I haven't made any official New Year's resolutions, but I think trying to contain my rage and finally getting a pair of glasses so I don't have to squint every time I walk down the street should probably top the list.

Here's to a New Year, a new start, and lots of prosperity and less of Lindsay Lohan in 2008!

Some E-mail Etiquette

My boyfriend has been getting this guy's e-mails:



I find it quite amusing -- this guy is like the bizarro version of my non-dancing boyfriend -- but my boyfriend finds it less than titillating, mostly because he's been receiving casting calls for upcoming Cheetah Girls videos and various maps of California highways. So next time you send an e-mail, make sure you've got the right address, dots and hyphens and underscores and all, before hitting the send button.

Yay or nay?

You be the judge:

I say...still on the fence. Not the best song in the world, but "catchy" enough to be a decent "comeback" single. I'm not expecting The Emancipation of Mimi here -- although frankly, it would be hilarious if all the cigarette smoking, boozy all-nighters, and bad hygiene problems suddenly gave Britney a five-octave range.

Any takers on this one?

Random Pet Peeve #2

I'll be the first to admit that I obsessively harp on the stupidest things. And I'll probably be the first to admit that most of my thoughts are better kept to myself.

But I just can't seem to get over this, even though it's been years. For some odd reason, I had a compulsive need to watch Kill Bill (Volume I; Volume II was just way too chatty for me). I had already seen it in theatres back in 2003, but my memory is fickle and there have been many movies since. Unfortunately, I'm too cheap to go and rent it at Blockbuster, so imagine my surprise when I flipped the channel one lazy Saturday night (yes, I was home Saturday night...leave me be) to find Kill Bill Volume I in the midst of its second act. Since it's such a long-ass film, I hardly missed a thing.

And then, I saw that scene again.

In the scene above, which appears towards the end of the film (spoilers kind of abound -- but if you haven't seen this four-year-old movie by now, you probably never will), The Bride a.k.a. Black Mamba a.k.a. Beatrix Kiddo a.k.a. Quentin Tarantino and His Damn Code Names sits on a flight to the U.S., where she's returning to kick some ass. Since the film is not told in chronological order, this list is kind of redundant since we've already seen her eliminate the first two names.

Oh, but there's more. The rest of the list neatly sets up her next targets in the sequel, not that we couldn't have guessed based on the numerous repetitive flashback scenes and cast credits.

What seriously bugs me is not Tarantino's quirky style, or the way all his characters speak with heavy-handed subtext, or even the overzealous "homages" to the B-films he clearly idolizes, but the need to have The Bride write a list in the first place. This is mostly because there are five damn people on it, and if you can't keep track of the names of the five people who tried to kill you, succeeded in killing your fiancé and wedding party, and conspired to keep the whereabouts of your baby a secret, then maybe you're not cut out for the task.

Also, I just can't get over the fact that The Bride writes like a second-grader who's just had too much candy. You can practically see her sticking her tongue out of her mouth as she carefully writes out each letter.

I'm not a handwriting snob by any means, but it just seems to me that a grown woman wouldn't have the need to write so...largely, and with differently coloured pens, no less. How weirdly organized of her. Possible reasons for the stylistic choice in list-making: a) The Bride hates white space; b) The Bride is far-sighted and forgot her contacts; The Bride has to hand in her homework to my fourth-grade teacher, Mrs. Spadina, who hands out extra stickers when you involve colour-coded lists.

I get the fact that The Bride tried to convey her anger by making the lettering progressively bigger as she went down the list, but I don't get why a renowned and deadly assassin would leave any piece of incriminating evidence behind, let alone why she would so openly make a "death list five." Can you imagine if you were the guy sitting next to her on that plane? Would you even ask her what's up with that, or just try to take a nap and hope the crazy lady next to you moves by the time you get up?

For some reason, I'd always envisioned The Bride with a more cursive style of penmanship. At least something, anything, that doesn't resemble a seven-year-old's diary entry.

The Bride may be the first person I call when I need some asses kicked or lessons in breaking out of coffins, but when it comes to grocery lists and birthday cards, I think I'll handle it myself.

Heh

"Lipgloss" by the artist known as Lil Mama is a waste of a song -- the beats may be addictive, but the fluffy lyrics render the single far worse than anything Shakira's put out in the last year.

But maybe I was wrong. After seeing this, I wasn't so sure that the song went to waste. After all, it did provide fodder for YouTube's Brtnydnc1, who crafted this hilarious send-up of "Lipgloss." There really are no words to do this clip justice.

Honestly, can you tell the difference?