Music Video Spotlight: Kevin Federline, "Lose Control"

Since it usually takes me about three months to catch up to the general public, I've only recently been privy to K-Fed's unabashedly derivative single, "Lose Control." As far as singles go, it's pretty laughable. But I like the fact that he's so enthused about proving everyone wrong that he's regressed to being painfully clueless about everything, including himself. I mean, if I were him, I'd be all like, "Shit, I'm Kevin Federline. That sucks." But enough about the imaginary conversations that I have in my head. We'll let the artiste speak for himself.

Without further ado...Kevin Federline in "Lose Control."

Don't forget, in addition to having the hip-hop flavour, he's also a little bit of rock 'n' roll.

You'd think that with Britney's Gold card, Kevin would be able to afford a better production, but perhaps the child support payments have prevented him from hiring an actual entourage.

You know that guy is all shifty-eyed because he's worried someone will see him with Kevin Federline. He probably thinks that he's in line for an actual club, or the men's room. And you'd think he'd throw on a nicer shirt if he knew he'd be appearing on television. This guy is actually my favourite part of the video.

Unfortunately, things don't get more exciting than this, including K-Fed's insistence that he's "got them beats that make you lose control." If I wanted to hear a song that reminded me of Europe's "The Final Countdown," I would actually listen to Europe.

Next, Kevin borrows from the vault of horrible hip-hop video clichés...well, videos from the early '90s, at least.

The obligatory and totally random "hot" video hoes. Check.

(I love the product placement. You know goldenpalace.com probably financed the video. And directed it.)

(Not the same girl. Or is it? I guess hiring one girl to double as many cuts down on costs.)

(Ooh. Now I know that ain't Britney! Or maybe it is. Watch out fake Britney! Kevin Federline brushing up on you is probably enough to get you pregnant.)

The obligatory frontin' in the club like everyone is not paid to be there to fawn all over you. Check.

(I like how, despite possible camera time, everyone keeps their distance anyway.)

(You know he's probably drinking something gross like Red Bull and vodka.) (And the crappy blue lighting effects make me feel like I'm stuck in a Japanese horror movie, or Blade.)

The obligatory random person dancing in a crowd while everyone looks on. Check.

You'd think that with all of Kevin's ex-dancer connections, he'd be able to find actual dancers instead of gyrating girl and drunk guy. But then again, compared to Kev's stylings, these two should be on Broadway.

I thought he used to be a back-up dancer? Of course, back-up dancers can rarely ascertain that they have "the lifestyle of rich livin’ & fast cars." Don't mess with Kevin, 'cause he'll let you know that you shouldn't "hate ’cause I’m a superstar, and I married a superstar, never come between us no matter who you are." I wasn't aware that being borderline broke made one a "superstar." If that were the case, then I'd be a superstar ten times over.

Things get more ludicrous when Feddy-Boy says that he's not trying to brag, but would like for us to know that "one ring cost more than your budget...my Ferrari cost more than your little S-Class -- look man, I’m in a whole other tax bracket...40 grand take the whole crew to Miami, and then we pop Cris off like we won Grammies. I take care of my homies, that’s my family." Kevin does realize that none of this is true, right? And that he hasn't earned any of this money himself? I can't feel too sorry for his taking advantage of Britney. She is an enabler, after all.

But I am glad that to hear that Kevin will take care of the guy from the beginning of the video. He's my homey too.

I can't fault K-Fed for not knowing what "self-aware" or "hygiene" means. Who has time to learn new words when they're ripping up the charts with droll puns? I mean, "Step up in the club so fresh and so clean, not the outcast that they label me," and, "Never been to Denver, but I rock the nugget" is pure genius. Well, at least it is to Britney.

Rock on, Kevin.