"The Apprentice": All Star Season

So the new season of "The Apprentice" premiered on Monday night. And it doesn't matter that it seems like last season's simultaneously predictable, abhorrent and atrocious finale aired a month ago, or that the show has been getting stagnant as of late, or that Donald Trump and I seriously have nothing in common; I watched it again, waiting for my reality show high to kick in so that I could bundle up on the couch as the unscripted-but-heavily-edited euphoria washed over me.

The thing with premieres of competitive reality shows is that there are too many people and too many going-ons to keep track of. Are there eighteen candidates this season, or fifty-seven? I kept seeing someone new on the screen, but then realized that it's just the same guy wearing a different shirt. The montage of introductions didn't help either...candidates spread themselves out on a noisy and windy landing strip (as Trump stood, stoically, beside his private jet), shouting out educational and professional credentials at Trump, Carolyn, and George. The montage lasted a whole minute, so you know that it was one of those talking-heads-in-mid-sentence-then-dissolve-to-next-candidate deals.

Trump picked the two candidates with the highest GPAs (or was it best schools? Or according to height? I don't really get Trump's logic), and forced them to pick their teams. Since they had all just met a whole five minutes ago, this task proved to be hard. Like a weird sociological experiment, the newly appointed Project Managers Allie and Tarek seemingly chose candidates based on their fitness and fertility potential (or, more succinctly, how hot they were).

After learning the team names ("Gold Rush" and "Synergy"), my mind willingly began to wonder. Even when Trump began his crazy in the boardroom again, I couldn't get my mind off of doomed Project Manager and Mensa member Tarek (this bit of trivia about Tarek has been ingrained in my brain forever, thanks to about five hundred mentions of it during the hour-long show). This is because Tarek is the spitting image of Orlando Bloom.

Ooh! Which is which? It's hard to tell, no? Okay, it's pretty obvious that Tarek is the one on the left, but the resemblance is uncanny.

Then I began to notice other celebrity look-alikes stealthily hidden among the regular candidates.

This is Andrea. She's 31, resides in California, and is a sticker company owner. But she also made her millions as an Annie Lennox impersonator. (Pictures have been purposefully kept small to work to my advantage, because when they're actually normal-sized the resemblance is all in my head.)

Brent is 30 and an attorney in Florida. This guy is extremely annoying, and he talks like that demented Russell Oliver from Oliver's Jewelers. He also went to York University (my alma mater), but strangely I am not feeling very warm and fuzzy about this. He reminds me of Daniel Radcliffe channeling Harry Potter, if Harry Potter was 30 years old and sustained himself on a diet of gravy and the gravy of gravy.

This is a stretch, but just kind of squint at the screen: Lee, 22, and a business analyst in New York, reminds me of Michael Imperioli, most famous for his roles in "The Sopranos" and "Law & Order." Lee and Tarek butted heads after their task, and in the boardroom, so now they're sworn nemeses. In my version of the "All Star Apprentice," Imperioli wouldn't hesitate to take Bloom out behind the dumpsters.

Sean, 33, a recruitment consultant based in England (whatever that means), is smoldering in this picture. And so is "Nip/Tuck" star Julian McMahon, on the right. Sean has a bonafide British accent, but unfortunately it's more Robin Leach than it is Hugh Grant.

Roma Maffia is also on "Nip/Tuck" (which is quickly beginning to sound like the only show I've ever known), and she and contestant Stacy, who is 38 and a criminal defence attorney in New York, could be sisters! Truth be told, I don't remember Stacy at all in the episode. Maybe she was there, maybe she was napping.

Tammy is 33, from New Jersey, and manages wealth. (Hers? Mine? Allen Iverson's? I don't know.) She looks like Sandra Bullock, and this resemblance holds for most of the episode. But there are times when she doesn't look like Sandra Bullock at all. Strange, I know.

Theresa, even in interviews, reminded me of season 4's Felisha. She has this je ne se quois about her...I'm just kidding. Theresa, 36, a psychotherapist in Illinois, is a shrill woman who complains way too much. I can't recall particular moments of her on-screen, but I can recall all of her interviews during and after the task, where she complained to no end about kittens being too furry or the bedsheets being too ecru or something. All I know is that she wasn't pleased, but she did manage to let the world know that she is a "team player," "stepped up to the plate," and "hit a home run."

Or was it Orlando Bloom who said this?

Once I figure out who these people are, I'll get back to you.