Hard Lessons Learned From the People's Choice Awards

I've always thought that the "People's Choice Awards" broadcast is one of the most useless award shows there is, right after VH1's "Big In '05" telecast that ran in syndication for the whole month of December. I'm seriously convinced that the PCAs are just an excuse to give people (who were once popular) shiny things to take home. A quick perusal of the nominees for this year is suspect: under the category of "Favorite Leading Lady," we have Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, and Renée Zellweger. The PCAs conveniently leave out the fact that "leading lady," in the case of two of the three nominees, doesn't necessarily have anything to do with actually appearing in a good film in the past year. I can only surmise that Cameron Diaz earned a nomination for In Her Shoes, Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line, and Renée Zellweger for her role in her annulled marriage to Kenny Chesney. Oh, all right. She was also in Cinderella Man.

Another PCA mystery is the nomination process. On the official website, it's all spelled out for us, somewhat vaguely: "Knowledge Networks used its panel, which is the only web-based market research panel that is representative of the entire US population, to identify a pop-culture-involved sample of men and women ages 18-54." Somehow I doubt that this web-based market research panel could possibly be representative of the entire US population, especially since a total of ten people saw In Her Shoes and Cinderella Man, but if this description somehow lulls us into accepting that the public has truly spoken, then so be it.

Not one to stray from the lulling, I became resigned with the whole process of the PCAs. After reading the winner's list and perusing the show pictures, I learned that:

Jessica Simpson always looks vacant, even when she's not speaking or trying to think. And although showing up at an awards show dressed up in Britney Spears' hand-me-downs is a cheap alternative to getting your own clothes, it's not always the best way to go.

If you host an awards show and invite Green Day, they will be the first to RSVP. And also, Billy Joe Armstrong is very heavy-handed when it comes to applying eye make-up. (Green Day won the "Favourite Group" category.)

In a year of Brokeback Mountain, Walk the Line, and Good Night and Good Luck, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith will win every time. Hey, at least it wasn't Hitch. And also, Harrison Ford is strangely turning into George Lucas, and unless we're talking box office residuals from Star Wars, this isn't a good thing. (Star Wars Episode III won "Favourite Movie" and "Favourite Movie Drama," although it's quite odd that it was nominated in two categories that could have essentially been condensed into one.)

I'm still grossed out about Jennifer Garner's mating with Ben Affleck. You can see that his cheesiness has spread all the way onto the screen and into the background, making everything tinged with a Velveeta-cheese orange. (Garner won for "Favourite Female Action Star" and "Favourite Female TV Star." I am going to nitpick here and point out that these nominations would be based on Elektra and "Alias," respectively. While "Alias" used to be a good show, it has since deteriorated. And Elektra just sucks.)

Matthew McConaughey is taking this way too seriously. Come on, it's not like you won a Nobel Prize. Sadly, it's not like it's an American Music Award either. (McConaughey won the "Favourite Male Action Star" category and...you know that Sahara would have been laughed at anywhere but here.)

Reese Witherspoon just showed up in order to practice her acceptance speech, as she will inevitable have to use it when it comes time for the bigger, better awards. Also, she had nothing else to do that night.

Even though Sandra Bullock has: 1) appeared in Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Dangerous; 2) popped up in about ten minutes of Crash to teach us a very special lesson about racism, all but to disappear for the rest of the movie once the lesson is learned; 3) not been popular since 1995; and 4) not been a box office favourite since 1995, she will, of course, win "Favourite Female Movie Star."

The voters of the PCAs could possibly be deaf. (Jessica Simpon won the "Favourite Song From a Movie" category with her rousing rendition of "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'.")

People like giving Ray Romano awards. Every award show must feature an award going to him, regardless of the fact that "Everybody Loves Raymond" has been off the air for about ten years now. (Romano won the category of "Favourite TV Comedy.")

Contrary to popular belief, this is not a drag queen, but Tyra Banks.

And finally, Jason Lee really looks like this in real life; I don't know who Kirsten Vangness is, but she's at the top of the list for Worst Dressed of 2006 thus far; and Randy Jackson's wife is hot.

Here's to another year of useless awards,
Christine