Britney Spears Loses Mother of the Year Award! (And other tabloidlicious news)

Item: Tabloids are having a field day with Brit-Brit's relationship with husband and Cheetos-lover Kevin Federline, who seems to have abandoned the new mother in hopes of hooking up with other desperate women and starting a career as a rap artist. In a strange twist of events, Britney Spears has finally grown a brain and has reportedly temporarily separated from Federline. Trackback the story here.

Apparently, and unsurprisingly, Spears has had a hard time coping with motherhood. Reports surfaced that Brit has fired about nine thousand nannies since brining her child home; Federline is off partying while Brit stays at home pretending to change diapers; Shar Jackson, Federline's ex and mother of his two children, has the last laugh as she tells Sister 2 Sister Magazine, "How do you call yourself a human being knowing that you put somebody else through that pain [of being cheated on]?" as Brit sits at home, contemplating her douchebag of a husband's whereabouts and watching "Chaotic" on DVD. (While Britney was off "falling in love" and being obnoxious with Kevin on her European tour, Shar Jackson was left back at home, barefoot and pregnant with Federline's second child, so I see where Jackson's coming from.) In another tabloid story that may or may not be true but sounds suspiciously believable, Kevin brings home a demo of his song, "Y'all Ain't Ready" (he's so right, if the song is as bad as people have reported) and Britney ridicules his pathetic attempts at being a hip-hop star (in his defense, has anyone heard Britney rap? It's as pretty as her singing) -- causing a massive fight as Kevin asks for $100 so he can go drown his sorrows at the local strip joint.

In the above scan, an unknown paper (to me, since I forgot to take down the credit) printed a news item of Britney Spears' mad mothering skills. (Blogger should really notify me when I'm overriding a file...let's just use our imaginations.) In the small picture in the corner, Britney arrives in LA via private jet, but forgets that she now has another person to think about besides herself as little Preston is carried off the plane by one of her handlers. Now, I'm not privy to Brit's private life, and I cannot presume to know what it's like to be 1. rich and famous; and 2. a mother, but I do know that Britney Spears ain't going to win any motherhood awards any time soon, considering that it appears she can't be bothered to carry her own child off a plane.

And speaking of tabloids...

Item: In addition to "Scientologist clone" and "vapid starlet," Katie Holmes can now add "knocked up by midget man-boy" to her stunning resume. Trackback the original news here.

Holmes couldn't be "more fortunate" and "happy" and other fake sentiments about the recent discovery. She's even keen on giving birth the good ol' fashioned Scientologist way (trackback the procedure here), and can't wait to share the rest of her empty life with Tom Cruise, the most "amazing" man she has ever met (which leads to the assumption that she hasn't met many people).

Meanwhile, Holmes' ex-boyfriend Chris Klein, whom I don't give enough credit to, has tried to talk Holmes out of her shot-gun wedding, and tells reporters that he and Holmes no longer speak. Also not buying her brainwashed story is Holmes' own father, who was unhappy with her switch to Scientology from the start and probably gives Cruise the stink-eye whenever he can.

But nothing can deter Katie Holmes, because she's in love (and more pregnant than the couple lets on, unless she's giving birth to quintuplets). After all, Tom Cruise is a great catch! If you like crazy, short-tempered and "glib," that is.

More tabloid fun! I especially love their exceptional use of Photoshop and their hyperbole-d headlines:

Item: Some quickie news.

- Nas and Jay-Z ended their feud and made up at Power 105.1's Power House concert in New Jersey last month. Trackback the love here. Good for them for burying the hatchet. I hope some others learn from this and follow suit.
- Jessica Simpson says, in a recent interview, that if she weren't a multi-talented songstress she'd be a psychologist. I guess we can say the mental health profession lucked out here. Speaking of, a Jessica Simpson + Nick Lachey break up packs the same punch as The Spice Girls break up in 2000. Which is to say, not a lot.
- For the single men (and women) out there, super-sexy Gabrielle Union has recently separated from her husband. Trackback the proceedings here. The Honeymooners and "Night Stalker" star had been married for fours years, but there is no word on a divorce yet.
- Unconfirmed, but Ashlee Simpson, following her visit to Much Music last week to promote her new album and to assault us with her petulant "I Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend" song, reportedly showed up in a downtown McDonald's drunk, no less, and proceeded to dance on a table. A by-stander asked for her autograph and was immediately heckled and shot down as Simpson told him that he'd have to "kiss her feet" in order to receive anything as great as her autograph. As it happens, someone had a camera, and this exchange was caught on tape. We'll stay tuned to see if this story is confirmed or just tabloid fodder.

Off to scratch my head at Ashlee Simpson's weird haircut choices,
Christine