Britney Spears Is Fat! (And other obvious news)

Item: Christina Aguilera says Britney Spears "has let herself go." According to the Sun, prophetic Aguilera claims that Spears has lost her skanky image and will never be taken seriously as a pop ho again. As Spears readies herself to mother the anti-Christ, Aguilera will undoubtedly try to usurp her for the title. Trackback story here.

I know this piece of "news" has been out for a while, but I think it's worth mentioning, especially when Aguilera has obviously never followed the philosophy that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. Which is all very well and good if you're rich and bored and need to pick on other people on your down time. I think Aguilera misses the point that when you're pregnant, you're going to gain a few pounds. After all, you are CARRYING ANOTHER HUMAN INSIDE YOU.

Also, it's worth mentioning because, as any non-blind person could tell you, it's safe to say that Aguilera has been letting herself go long before Spears even hooked up with douchebag Kevin Federline. See the nice "BEFORE" picture at an awards show where Spears and Aguilera were forced to present together. Spears looks like an Amazon next to Aguilera. This is Aguilera before her "Dirrty" phase, when she's just beginning to "explore" her sexuality or whatever. This is Spears before her "Chaotic" television show, where we were subjected to her love for Cheetos and other cheesy things, like Federline. I have to say, though, Spears looked a mess in "Chaotic." She did kind of let herself go, if by "let herself go" we mean it in a hygienic sense.

Now we come to the "AFTER" picture, where Aguilera has seen better days. Now who's the Amazon? In fact, Spears actually looks a little better than Aguilera here. I mean, they're both very healthy looking by normal-people standards, but by Hollywood standards they're what we might call "big boned." Although, Spears is, oh, I don't know...CARRYING ANOTHER HUMAN INSIDE OF HER, so the weight gain is very normal. (Hygiene, not so much.) Aguilera, on the other hand, is just bigger. This might be because in Spears' picture, she's wearing an outfit that flatters her body, but if Aguilera insists on not knowing how to dress herself, I'm certainly not going to cut her a break.

Spears' and Aguilera's feud is as ancient as time itself, and yet I've never really heard how it started. But once I did, it was so natural that I didn't really stop to question it. For some reason, everyone who's ever been on "The Mickey Mouse Club" comes to hate one another. Spears has reportedly tried to reach out to Aguilera to end the feud. Who does she think she is, Eminem? Trackback story here.

And then later in the week we hear that Madonna is planning to attend Aguilera's wedding, and that Spears isn't so pleased. I don't really care either way; having Madonna at your wedding isn't exactly the most valuble thing you could be experiencing ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. But wait, didn't Aguilera dis Madonna at one point? I don't know about you, but saying, "These people aren't artists, they're just performers - fake and superficial," would make me a little upset. And I'm not even Madonna. Trackback story here.

That silly Aguilera, she's good times all around.

Item: Jennifer Aniston is NOT a victim. She's so not a victim that she tells Vanity Fair all about how she's not a victim. Trackback story here.

It never came as a shock that Brad Pitt would hook up with Angelina Jolie. In fact, I think I'd be surprised if he didn't try to dip his pen in the inkwell, if you know what I mean. They're a very pretty couple. So pretty that I think I got kind of blinded when I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

But Aniston is a victim. She's a victim of the rumour-mill, she's a victim of the tabloids (which manage to publish every unflattering picture she's ever taken), she's a victim of cuckolded women everywhere. Her need to let us know that she's not a victim makes it that much more obvious that she wants us to think she's a victim so we can hate everyone who's ever wronged her.

I think the only person who I really care about in this story is Angelina Jolie. This is because she's a great actress (Tomb Raider films aside), she's sexy in a very curvaceous and confident way, she's a samaritan without rubbing it in our faces, and she is a little bit crazy. Aniston is okay, as far emaciated actresses in Hollywood go. As far as acting goes, she's always playing Rachel Green, even when she's not supposed to be Rachel Green. Brad Pitt earns an "eh" from me. He's very handsome, yes, but in a bland way. People agree he's a good actor, although I suspect these people have conveniently glossed over the two-and-a-half hours that is Troy. He comes from the blank-vessel school of acting. He's like a pod waiting to be filled with substance, and depending on what he gets, he either gives a very involved performance, or just glides through the film to collect his final paycheck.

The photospread in W Magazine was a bit much, that I have to give Aniston. She glosses over the article in her interview, and admits that she found it in bad taste. What were they thinking? "If we do a photospread TO PROMOTE OUR SPY MOVIE in which we are depicted as a 1950s couple playing with our happy family and having steamy sex in our oppressed bedroom, that will throw everyone off the scent of our torrid affair." Yeah. I bet that was Pitt. Trackback the infamous Vanity Fair interview here.

Aniston should take a page from Nicole Kidman's divorce to the Mad Hatter and use this as a way to carve her career as a individual, not as someone who is married to People's Sexiest Man Alive. (Of course, it's doubtful that Pitt will get his like the Mad Hatter is getting it right now. And Angelina Jolie vs. Katie Holmes is not even worth mentioning.)

But alas, Aniston isn't dwelling (outside of various interviews, of course). She's moving on and going to therapy and immersing herself with work and hanging out with Courtney Cox-Arquette (as she tells us in interviews). One day she's sneaking into Vince Vaughn's trailer, the next she's flying to L.A. to visit Owen Wilson, then she's sneaking some more into Vince Vaughn's trailer. Now, no one can really compare to the celebrity that is Pitt, but Vaughan seems to be a decent rebound. If she can convince him to get some sleep, I'll give her even more props.

Item: VH1 Divas are crazy.

Has anyone ever noticed the combined insanity that goes on when VH1 decides to put together one of their Divas specials? It's like being on this show just zaps the sanity right out of you.

Some mentionables:
Celine Dion (1998): Yup, she's crazy.
Mariah Carey (1998): Public meltdowns, revamped skanky image, hit on Eminem, hospitalized for "exhaustion." All the actions of the crazy.
Whitney Houston (1999): Married Bobby Brown and smoked some crack. Perhaps not in that order.
Cher (1999): A slave to plastic surgery. The most mistaken-for-dead celebrity in the world. Once married to Sonny Bono. Bad fashion sense. But she did win an Oscar, so we'll just call her "eccentric."
Mary J. Blige (1999): No straightforward exhibits of the crazy, but many schizophrenic tantrums. She won't hesitate to cut you with a blunt knife, either.
Diana Ross (2000): Wanders around in a drug-induced haze. Felt up Lil' Kim's boob. Perhaps not in that order.
Jessica Simpson (2004): Ignorance can sometimes be mistaken for crazy.

Crazy but not a diva,
Christine