Ashton Kutcher Gets Set to Procreate! (And other yucky news)

Item: Demi Moore had one too many cocktails at lunch and told Harper's Bazaar that she wants boyfriend Ashton Kutcher to give her little babies. The 42-year-old actress, who once sent hearts a-fluttering in sexy films like Ghost and Indecent Proposal, confessed that she is now entertaining the thought of starting her own family with stupid Ashton Kutcher. Trackback story here.

Demi is a pioneer when it comes to dating younger men in Hollywood. You had corpses like Harrison Ford and Jack Nicholson walking around with much-younger women, and no one bothered to bat an eyelash over it (possibly because they couldn't be seen: see Calista Flockhart, Lary Flynn Boyle). And then Moore comes out of retirement and hooks up with Kutcher, and suddenly the whole world is a-buzz with the news.

Well.

Moore gets props where props are due, but none from me since she decided to hook up with Kutcher. There are many of his single peers walking around, looking for a hot older woman to teach them the ways of love. Some are a little better looking, some a little more successful, some with more charisma, and a large number are just plain smarter. I'm not saying that Kutcher is none of these things (well, I did call him stupid up there, didn't I), but when you act like a chimpanzee in your interviews, it's hard not to see you in a certain light.

I've known him since he appeared as the himbo on "That 70's Show," but he garnered more credentials with his show, "Punk'd." Like I'm supposed to believe that he masterminded these gags all by himself. And Kutcher. On "Punk'd." Gives me heartburn. He's just so loud and obnoxious, and I'm not sure if it's a persona he's adopting, or if he's having some sort of medical crisis on camera. Either way, I find him neither endearing nor charming. I'd rather date Sean William Scott, so I think that says a lot about my feelings towards Kutcher.

If Moore is going to have babies with Kutcher, they aren't going to be all that bright. But they sure will be tall.

Item: Eminem is getting back at Mariah Carey because she pulled his hair or something and now he's playing her private voice messages at his concert. Carey is reportedly very nonplussed about the whole affair, and still maintains that she and Eminem never had a bootie call. Trackback story here.

I like a juicy hook-up story as much as the next person, but this Eminem/Mariah Carey thing has been blown to fantastically insipid proportions. It's like a really slow battle of wills on a children's playground. What's more sad is that I'm having a hard time forming an opinion on the matter. And that is so not me. (What we might agree is even more sad is the fact that that I'm devoting time to think about this.)

On one side, we've got songbird Carey. She's great because she's always doing kooky things and then putting out albums. I have to admit, I wished her ill on The Emancipation of Mimi, but it's turning out to be quite decent. Trackback the excellent review here. She's also friends with Da Brat.

On the other side, there's perpetually angry Eminem. I used to love Eminem precisely because he was so angry. Trackback my adoration here. Then he put out Encore, and made me spend money on it just so I could hate it. It seems that every year that passes, Eminem regresses more into child-like behaviour that is not quite so endearing once you pass your teens (see: Ashton Kutcher). He's a father but acts like a infant. He has a daughter but is a big ol' misogynist. (Filler tidbit: the opposite of a "misogynist" is a "misandrist," or hater of the male sex.) He is probably not capable of having a functional relationship, aside from Dr. Dre.

I guess it doesn't really matter to me if Mariah Carey did throw herself at Eminem or not. It will never justify Eminem playing supposed voice mails and openly ridiculing her in arenas full of people. If this is a case of bruised ego, then Eminem needs to go cry to his mama about it. Or Dr. Dre. Whoever's available.

Item: For her upcoming (sucky) album, Ashlee Simpson wrote a mean song about Lindsay Lohan. In the song "Boyfriend," Simpson teases Lohan about stealing her boyfriend, Wilmer "I Just Don't See It" Valderrama. Although neither young ladies are currently with Valderrama, he did date Simpson immediately after dumping Lohan. Trackback story here.

Simpson is vehemently denying the rumours that her line, "I didn't steal your boyfriend," is aimed at Lohan. Now, now. The teen queens are good at this sort of thing -- starting feuds out of thin air with apparently very little cause or logic -- and the line could very well mean that Lohan sucks and she should just shut up. But it could also be, as Simpson claims, a generic line in a lackluster pop song that makes no sense at all. Only time will tell, but who will buy the album to see?

Didn't Wilmer Valderrama also date pop princess Hilary "Veneers Gone Wrong" Duff? That boy gets around. And the incestuous implications of that lead me to say: ew.

Item: The Pussycat Dolls ruined my viewing of The Teen Choice Awards. Yes, I saw some of it. Leave me be.

Okay. There are like twenty of them in one group. I just don't get it. One sings, but what do the other girls do?

I seriously thought I had time-traveled to 1995. But something had malfunctioned in my time machine, and I was watching the S Club 7 made up of Spice Girls.

My curiosity led me to read up on this group. Trackback what I saw here. Their list of guest singers is quite impressive, but I'm still not convinced that they're now a real group. Because ONE OF THEM SINGS. And the rest act as backup dancers, which is a novel concept if you want to save some money on roadies and whatnot. But since one person sings, it can't really be considered a group, can it?

I suppose I could buy their album and find out if any other girl actually does anything besides gyrating her hips around and "oohing" a couple of lines. But I'm too lazy. And cheap.

Not wishing my girlfriend was a freak,
Christine